Saturday, March 3, 2012

I don’t even know what to feel anymore. I feel like the past few months has just been “another one of those.” It all just happened so quick, my decision was made and I took off. Right, it all comes down to me again, but it wasn’t even like that. There were those hesitations, and the past just came through my thoughts and swept me. I couldn’t let this be like the last one… or the one before… If this had to be it, it had to be now. Before it hurts me more than what is happening now… I regret it, I wanna talk about it and hope we can compromise once again. But something in me just stops me and taps me on my back saying “good for you.” I can’t be a burden anymore. Not on me, not on him. This was my choice. This was it.

Me: "This was such a bad idea... I'm gonna leave you alone with your studies. I don't want to be in between it. Or get you in trouble with your dad. Thanks for everything. And sorry"
Him: "There is nothing you did wrong if anything you were an amazing partner for me. I should of done better in school that's all my fault for real. I had opportunities to do well but I didn't accomplish it. Don't be sorry and don't feel like you were the reason I didn't do well. It's literally on me. You made me happy when I should be sad, when I was down you brought me up. You were amazing and who knows what can happen... I might be able to salvage my grades this next week."

That was it. I don't know if he got the message or not, but I can't be a burden anymore. His dad said he can't date if he doesn't do well in his finals. I knew it wasn't an easy quarter but I didn't know I was in the way... He asked me what he should do and I told him he should study hard then. And then there was silence.... It was like he wasn't so sure anymore, and that it would be harder than he thought. So I left. I couldn't sit in there and be okay. I wasn't. It hurt... He didn't even hesitate, it was an answer. An answer that he can't juggle both school and us. So I gave him my response and left. Right before I left, he asked me if something was wrong. As the person I am, I kept saying no. And he let me know. Once I got in the car, he realized what it was about. He came down and told me "if it was about what I told you, don't worry about it." But how can I not? I was asking for a lot I guess... For a second, I thought he was gonna come chase after me, but instead his response was it all. I avoided going home for another hour, but after that response, I was like, this is it. He knows what I meant, he's not coming anymore... I'm hurt, I cried. But in a stupid way, I respect him decision. I fell for his motivation. I looked up to him the way that he cared so much for his education and about people. He really did care for me, but it's not something he can handle. I'm just upset because I thought he had more potential. I thought we had more...

Donna: "Just give him a chance to explain himself because it's out of his control. It's cultural he has to listen to his parents and he's always been a good kid. Maybe he's just not use to rebelling."
Me: "I don't want him to rebel. I just thought he would have been more sure than what was coming out of him. My mood drastically changed after that real short convo and he knew it. He said that's not even a problem when I left but when I said something after, he left it at that. Like he didn't care."

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