Friday, February 25, 2011

My parents, my responsibility

I love my parents unconditionally and appreciate everyone else who has as close or closer relationships with their parents. I mean, they're probably have the biggest impact on my life and how socially equip with my life. Following through so far? Aight, well, starting with my padre.
I've been through two "dad-like" figures throughout my short 18 (almost 19) years of life and I haven't been happy or "non-violated.." by the last one but my step-dad that we live with now (& my mom is officially married to) has been more than expectations. My dad and I have an incredible relationship. At first I was forced to call him my dad because my mom was set on her decision that this man would be the man she'd grow old with and be spending the next lifetime with as well and I didn't mind but the word didn't mean anything. I joke around and call him 'halbae' (grandpa in Korean) and 'mandol' (my dad's Korean name is Manjoo but I joke around and call him mandol lol) but he totally earned the name "dad." He treats me like his own blood daughter and stresses about my problems -lol- like as if it's his own.
Mamamamamama -Ilove her like non other. There can literally be no one like or close to my mom. She has so many off days it;fsfjsg LOL jkjk she's beautiful, inside and out. If anyone is like her, it has to be me. I mean, we don't look alike, at all. We don't even have any similar physical features but everything that is medically or "internally?", lol, are the same. I.e.: we've both got the same obnoxious sneeze, both our backs hurt easily, we get headaches easily, etc etc. Lol something is wrong with the both of us. When I become rich in the future, I'll probably be her primary doctor and I'll fix her!!! Hahaha. Well, yeah. I appreciate my mom so much. She went through so much crap from everyone while raising my brother & me and she raised us as a single mom, high appraised! I literally felt like sometimes she would just give up on us as send us to our real dad but she always pulled through. She feels like if she doesn't have us, she doesn't really have anything to live for. I guess it's true when you have kids and you lose them, everything is like taken from you.
When I was in Chicago, IL not too long ago (from Dec. 2010-Jan. 2011), my oldest aunt told me something really really touching... She said that when I was young, my mom would fill jars of coins and stuff and she'd use all those up in one sitting just so that she can buy me and my cousins pizza. She worked so hard to keep me happy and satisfied. My real dad was an ass. My mom was telling me how on my early birthdays and stuff she'd try to take as many pictures of me because that's what a mother had to do and my real dad didn't care at all. I mean, I don't feel sentimental about that at all. I know how much of a selfish bastard he is, oops hehe.
We move around soooo much, and the past couple years, have been such a ride. I can't wait till we move back to (dotdotdot...) and get settled down. Plus, our place in NY is the tiniest piece of shithole. My dad's sister got this place for us and she didn't even fucking care about what this place's condition was. Everything is either really small, broken, or "replaced" with some other shit. Ugh, this place irritates me so much. And it's expensive as fuck!!! I can't wait till my mom goes off on her before we leave & actually leave. NY has been a terrible bump for me and I know I shouldn't complain but ughhh. --Coming back around to it, I appreciate (man, I've used that word so many times, lol) this tiny rat hole too and how the closeness of my parents & family are. I think this tiny space has made our relationship stronger and totally invincible. We've come to take this small space to an advantage and build upon and around it. My mom and dad work butthard in order to bring food on our plates and clothes on our backs (aww, cliche hahaha). I don't ask my mom or dad to buy me a car, or give me yongddon (cash to spend), and especially not to send me to an expensive college. Yeah, the last one is for my own good, but hey, if I can't get my financial aid, I ain't asking my parents to work that times more harder in order to send me to college when I can do other shit to succeed.
ANYWAYS, this post is long enough. I was tryna sound smart, then my mom's part came around and I was like "fuck this shit" hahahaha. Omg I need to stop cussing. I'm socially living in my mom & dad's shoes. Like doing things they'd be proud of (like this blog, aww:] ) and not do things that they wouldn't like (sticking my butt and tongue out every opportunity I have). Ahh shit, good thing this is private or I'd be getting a beat down ahahaha. Tatas lovelies

-OH YEAH HAHA. This post is called "my parents, my responsibility" because you know, you pretty much learn everything from your parents. Not particularly your smarts but things like hobbies or pet peeves and stuff. Like you go out and do those in public. For example, hehe, my dad farts often, I know ew gross, but I don't give a fuck. I go out and burp all the time. I say "safety" instead of excuse me, therefore I will receive the consequences of adults looking down on me. Do it allllll ya wanttttt!!! I'm a girl who doesn't give two fucks =) wait, I got one more. My mom and dad are extraordinarily loud. I mean, my whole family is like that. We have times when we're quiet and on the downlow but most of the time, it's obnoxious. I take that to public and it's okay for me:) my family's name is out there somewhere ahahahah! Alright, hyper girl, out.

Monday, February 7, 2011


I am way beyond creepy. I feel like I have a crush on someone. I mean, we kissed and alla that but it was nothing more than a kiss, atm. But now, for some odd ass reason, it's growing. Maybe cos of the distance and shit. Plus I'm into those kinna guys. OH SHIT! And I went onto his fbook and saved a pic of him to send to a friend. I'm gonna go delete it off of my documents...... I feel like a lowkey stalker . And my girl, Min is the only one who knows. Girlllllll, keep it to yourself!! Hahahahaha shitttt. I'm tripping out, I need to calm down. This is a crush. Nothing more because I am not gonna tell him. I've made mistakes trying to make all my crushes in the past, but not this one. It'll happen when I'm ready and when I feel like it can't just be a crush. I wanna feel exhilarated like this for a little while longer.... Ahhhhh I'm gonna die drjgkdfg.

--Update 02/25/2011: This post is from the 7th of this month and I just have to say. I was very hyper, bored and stuff so I just put this. I don't have a crush on no one. What the heck! If so, it's not like I'll go this crazy about it. Fine, I do, but this guy up there ^ naaaahhh,get outta here with that shit haha. But like that one, I am not going to tell my current crush. Feelings should sometimes be kept to yourself :)

I don't think I'm a good girlfriend

I probably won't be in a long time. I'm not trying to make myself look like the victim here but with what's been going on since my last last actual relationship, I haven't been able to trust anyone 100%. I've been having doubts about what that person may do when I'm not around. Whether it's actually doing something physical with someone else or just giving someone else a text, "unintentionally" flirting with them... I mean, I trusted that one ex, he went behind my back, and cheated on me. He slept with a chick, three times. I only left for a week for vacation to see my family who moved to Chicago, IL and I was back in WA mostly for him... I left for a three week winter break and he couldn't even last a week. The girl's cousin had to give me a call, on Christmas. What kind of fucked of shit did they have to do that the girl had to give me a call than? I really appreciate thoe, for everything the cousin did. I bitched the girl out in front of everyone and ended it with my ex in order to suffice myself. But even that didn't become enough.
I didn't trust my last ex. Especially because he was away in college and there were girls surrounding him always. AND NY girls don't seem to be able to keep their hands off any guy, even guys who already have their own girl. It's not enough to feed off the anger from the girl, but to try and go at it more. Like really? Who the fuck are you?
But anyways. Time can only tell. I'm going to concentrate on myself and my best friends. The ones who stuck around even after all the shit I put them through. I miss most of them because I can't see them but I appreciate them so much for holding on and believing in me. Girlfriend out, a better friend in ;)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


I was gonna talk about these dreams on the other post, but I thought I'd be overdoing it. So here goes to my separate, more sophisticated post =)
I will only talk about one of my dreams because that one is the only one I can clearly recall and what I researched on (yes, research). I've been very curious on why I kept dreaming of her and since I've been going to Barnes & Noble everyday to read the last couple of days (or week), I decided to get usefulllllll reading done ! Here's what I got:

My dream:
Back in the apartments in Chicago, she was sitting there, on here table, looking so young, healthy, beautiful. Then in her living there were tons of bookcases stacked with tons of new toys, and kids books and stuff. They were all new, untouched. My gma had been just leaving them laying around and stuff. It was like she was leaving it for us to come back and get it. She was just sitting there, smiling, while I was thinking of taking some stuff to give to my brother and stuff.

When she was laying in the hospital when I went to visit her with all of my family, she kept talking about going back there, with her grandkids and just die there, happily. My grandma had been living in those apartments 20+ years and she could never forget it. We practically owned the whole building with our families there and those were the good times, when we all lived there together. She raised us all, equally and we appreciated it, everyone one of us. We would sit there at the hospital, her last few days, just talking about the old times. My gma made thanksgiving, christmas, other holiday dinners for our whole families and they were the best. Her food, omg they were sooo good. And about how she loved Old Country Buffet so much. My cousin, Daniel, my grandma and I were walking around our neighborhood one time and my gma spotted a bill on the floor. Oh man was she happy. She was like "time for old country!!" I thought I was the only one who knew, but my cousin was telling me how she was more happy about taking us out and feeding us rather than that she found money. That she was so glad to have found another reason to bring the family together and that she was the one giving us foods.

My brother & I grew up without a father, she replaced him. Doing a much better job. Also for my other cousins, Daniel & Alex. She took care of us, all the time. She never let our moms hit us when we did something wrong. She always, ALWAYS took our side. She made sure we were happy and especially well fed. I'm going to school because of her. She wanted me to. And not go to the Air Force. That is how much I appreciate her...

ANYWAYS BACK TO THE DREAM. Here are the meanings::::::
-Dreams about grandmothers means the "nature of human life" and the "face of a certain death". My grandma is the certain death, therefore I dream of her.
-Death: A certain dead person means that the certain dead person is still alive in the dreamer's mind, in my mind. Meaning, I still haven't accepted the fact that she's dead. Even after I was there when she died, when I saw her dead body at the wake and funeral and saw her get buried. When I touched her cold, hard body.... yeah you know the rest...
-House (or her apartment): Carrying with them revocations of the past. Something that is significant. Her place WAS veryyy significant if anything.
-Toys: Represents what the adult secretly fears in the real life. I honestly don't know what that means...
-Lastly, the past: Signs of regression...yep... Unconscious desire to reconstruct or re-experience the past repeatedly. This whole last month, while the funeral and ish were going around, yeah, I wanted to go back in the past and/or repeat everything. I wanted to see her, healthier, and with everyone. Having fun and not getting together just for her but for various other reasons. But it will never happen, will it?

Cousins and I are getting together this Summer of 2011. It's gonna be great. We even told our parents, "even if you guys don't get the family together, us cousins are going to and be close." They love and support the idea. We need it, especially after everything...

I spent that night, miserable. Everyone was crying and I tried to touch her, she was cold. I tried so hard to warm her hand up... It was impossible. It was harder hearing my uncle screaming for her. He screamed, so loud, that I think she did hear him. She lost her heartbeat, my uncle called and it came back, for a second. I really thought it was a miracle... She was slowly sinking that day. In the morning she moved from a regular room back into a room in the ICU. Her heartbeat went from 80's and dropped at various times and kept doing that all day. None of us knew it was that bad so my cousins and I decided to leave. (When we heard the bad news, my family came down Christmas morning, driving from ny to chicago, in the bad snow. The next few days my cousins from oregon came, then ones from georgia. It was a family reunion but for a bad cause. Then my gma started getting so much better, so everyone who had to leave -for work and stuff- left. Back home leaving my aunt from Georgia, my two cousins from oregon and me behind.) We were exhausted from being at the hospital every morning til nighttime and wanted to go rest. My aunt called, we rushed over. Once we got there, my aunt told my grandma (who by then was pretty much almost gone) that her grandkids were there. She was gone by the next minute. I think she was waiting for us, wanting to say her last goodbyes. I didn't tell my mom till my gma was totally gone and I had settled down. My uncle kept screaming in the room trying to get my gma to wake up. When we found a beat, we called the nurses to come and try something. They said they couldn't, so they didn't. My aunt from Oregon was going crazy. And my other relatives who lived in Chicago came. It was a disaster. The next few days everyone else came, who had left. At the funeral, everyone was there. Then, gone again.
I never knew this day would come so quick. It was terrible, the worst possible. Losing someone, who is so close and precious to you, is so tough. It's hard to imagine a life without them, therefore I think she's still there. Waiting in Chicago, sick, but still alive. She's not though, she isn't and won't be. I just have to wait till it's my turn, then I'll see her... I miss you. I love you. Rest in peace.

(Sorry this post is so long. Gah who gives a f....)

할머니, 보고싶다...

I just made a video for you... I look so stupid crying like that and trying to talk... It's so funny cause that was me actually trying my hardest to keep it in. Remember, I rarely cry. But when it comes to you, I get sentimental... I miss you so much, it's not even funny no more. I believed you'd make it through all the way, but I'm still proud of you. You came so far, with so much shit on your back weighing you down but you pulled through=) You were such a tough cookie...

Now, you're much better. You're watching over me, or the opposite. You keep coming into my dreams. Not everyday, but ever since I got better from my week old flu, which is a week in counting, I've had four dreams about you. Two I can remember and the other two which is just a slight vague........ Anywho, I feel a little sloppy because I don't know why this is happening and I feel great to see you in a weird way but that I do. I still feel real upset everynight. Most nights I don't cry, I barely react to it. Tonight, I guess I felt a lil more lonesome. I can't stop crying. I needed to talk and let it out, not to a person, therefore I made that recording. Hope you don't laugh at me... I love you, I miss you. I wish you were still here...

Stronger - I will survive, as long as it's you by my side
This is for you. Jenny Suk did an awesome job at it. I can't get over it... I get goosebumps every time I hear it. I listened to it so often that every time I sing it, I sing it like her (not vocally lol, I can't sing).


I just went through a breakup. Yes, it was confidential cos I didn't want no one else butting into my private life and shit. He thought it was because I didn't want my friends knowing. What the fuck? You talked to my best friend, if anything and most of my closest ppl knew. You're a trip.
Anyways, HE broke up with me with the excuse of, "I don't make you happy," & "To you, our relationship was just a drag" blah blah blah. If that was your excuse, I wouldn't have even been witchu in the first place. Damn, you got me fuuucked up! You then come around next few days, bringing up reasons to get mad at me then expect me to pick up your phone calls? For what? Fucking sympathy?? Don't break up with me, then say you love me, then bring up something to bitch at me for, then expect me to call to "get things straight." Nigga, your ass broke up with me, not the other way around. If anything, I should be fucking crawling back to you, not the other way around. Don't be a bigger trip and fucking man up. Go and talk to your girls to make you feel better. And don't front, cos for a fact I know you do that shit. As for me, I'm gonna watch out for my next boy. He isn't gonna be a youngin' like you cos best believe, you don't know how to control your emotions. I fucked up, I know. I had fucking temper breakdowns like all the time and I put so much distance between us, but you knew the shit I been through the past couple months and yet you talk to me like that? Fuck no!
CALL ME PATHETIC ALL YOU WANT. Your bitchass isn't getting another word outta me now, no matter what the fuck you say. Forreal, you get me so heated. I thought you wanted this to end quietly. You got mad over a friend request shit on fbook. How the fuck do you blow up to something that's not even a big deal. My shit is my business, we're over, you shouldn't even care if I'm his friend again or not. For all I fucking care, take your psycho ass ex to your house to see your mama again. See if I GIVES A FUUUUUUCK. Get outta here, forreal.