How can you let all this go...

Meaning of my blog

I don't necessarily believe in things like Karma but I do believe coincidences and "in the moment" cos of stuff. Serendipity has anything to do with happiness and it coming up at any point, in an accident, so to say. Trying to find someone's downfall is hard. Most people won't really open up, whether they're insecure or truly believe that they are "too happy to be down." I mean, I'm in no position to judge them if they are seriously happy 100% of the time but they are happy right? Okay, my point being, you will see happier people than sad. Happy moments spring upon people, whether it was intended upon or not. I mean, who wouldn't want that? Serendipity is the occurrence of events that have a chance of total satisfaction at any point without you having a clue. Serendipity is also the reason why some people don't commit suicide at the last minute. I think it's so important because people find a non absolute reason for not giving up. People will always wait for that moment of serendipity. Whether it happens right there in an instant or in the long run.

No More

Seriously, I can't do this anymore. All I'm doing is hurting myself and wishing things were better when I know for a fact it won't be. I miss you, so much. But it's just that you don't understand. You're being really selfish and I swear I thought you had more than this in you. I wished the best for us and I would have done anything to be with you, even give you your space and wait. But this is the end of the line for me. I sent you a text this morning, and I know for a fact you got it. I said that I don't want this, but I said it out of anger. Imagine how you'd be if you were to be in my position. Helpless and just waiting for an answer, a response. I'm hopeless here. All I can do is just wait it off till you come to me because I made my move. I made multiple moves in fact. But you won't accept me. I wish you were stronger than this cos I know this can't be the end... It just fucking started & I fucking miss you...so much...

DIY: Shirt Pocket Patch

This is so random. Lolol yday, I made a shirt pocket patch. I'll show you what it looks like in a minute but the reason why I'm just randomly putting this in here is because I kind of wanted to start making like blogs on "diy's". I wanna start blogging even if it's not really for anyone who needs em, but maybe, who knows! Well, here's my first one:

1. What I first did was buy fabric (from Joann's) and I measured them how big I wanted it to be. It's 100% cotton and was on sale for $5.99/yd but I got half a yard so it was about $2.89. My patch here is 10cm wide and 8cm tall/10cm tall (the smaller ends and the middle). Make sure to make them a little bigger for the hemming and my patch was a little smaller than how I wanted it, so add 2+ cm each.
2. I then folded it where the line was and I ironed it so it makes the sewing much easier.




3. Next, I pinned it down (with a pin haha) to where I want it to be.

 Here is a close up of where I pinned it. --Just to let you know, I take off the pins as I sew along. It's just to help stay in place!

 4. I line up the fabric so I have a straight line.

 5. Same thing, but this is the second part to it. I just turn the whole shirt and line it up again. And go all the way around till you get to the other side of where you started.

 6. Should have mentioned it before. I made 2 more earlier and I sewed the top part of the patch before working on patching it onto the shirt because I wanted an open pocket. But I want this shirt to be just a patch, therefore I am sewing it right onto the shirt. (Notice how the other end is lined up)

 7. Tada! This is what the final product will look like. This is just a one line stitch (I don't know the exact terms for it, sorry!).

 These are the three I made altogether. Different types of design will cost at various prices. As you can see they're all animal prints and they are all 100% cotton!

And here it is on. This was very fun & easy to make. Yayay! Be on the lookout for my next diy!!

Btw, I'm an idiot for last night's text. I texted him "I finally read your card... Thank you. & I hope you're doing well. Don't stress too much, don't starve yourself, and do well on your finals. And I miss you."
I got a "You deserve to be happy! I'm doing okay just tired hope your doing well! You can do anything you can if you set your mind to it!"
I have no idea what that had to do with what I said first but I think he's over it... I think I wanted/this want this to work out more than he does. I guess I'm still pondering what could have happened before I opened my fucking mouth and ruined shit. Like I always do.

They said "it'll get better with time" but as more time passes by, the more I miss you. I can't stop thinking about even the little things about you... Like when you sleep and wake up the next morning, we know you were facing towards me the whole night cos the hair on the side you were laying on sticks up. Haha, even the smallest things about you make me smile. I watch the few videos I made with you and I miss you so much more. They make me smile but at the same time, it hurts me to know that that was just in the past. But I hope not. I hope that we can make things work and finally get back to how things were, with each other. You brought out the best in me and I know I may be destructive at times but it was because I'm still emotionally adjusting to receiving all this attention from my last break... You're mending everything and bringing everything in place for me and as corny as it may sound, you didn't finish putting the puzzle pieces together. The more you leave it around, the more the loose ends gets lost. It's been tough, but you made it easier. Now without you, it got harder than how it was before...

I did my exam #2 in my geo class and I got a 100% !!! I didn't struggle and I finished it with 42 mins left out of 55. HYFR I'm happy ! I'm just gonna keep this up. Get my homework done right when I get home, get all my assignments turned in, and study study study!! I've got two more quizzes for my geography class and I gotta just do better than 80% in them then I can pass that class with a 3.5, at the least. But ugggg only thing was my fucking communications class tests. LOL today was such a fail. I studied for the material but all the shit he writes in the test itself makes everything I studied for to backfire. Omg omg, I was like the third to last one to leave and when the other two last girls left, I felt the urge to discuss it with them and I guess I wasn't the only one who thought she bombed the test. Omg hahahaha one of the girls who I thought was smart was like "he's fucking up my grades with his class. He doesn't know how to speak so I don't understand shit from him." Hhahaha she was so angry grrrr. Anyways, I'm gonna see what my score was, try to get my second quiz back (wtf, he's sluffing) and then do great on my finals. I'm gonna now eat, go get things done for mama and come back home to finish the rest of my paper. I gotta start reading my next chapter for geography too. I'm excited to get this quarter over with and relax spring vaca. I'm thinking about going to OR to spend time with my cousins there and work at my auntie's restaurant for money. Tata~

I know for the next few days (or maybe even weeks) I'm going to be a emotional so I need something to write and put out my feelings somehow hahahaha. So here's for tomorrow and so forth:

Dear person I hate,

Dear person I like,

Dear ex boyfriend

Dear ex bestfriend,

Dear bestfriend,

Dear *anyone*,

Dear Santa,

Dear mum,

Dear dad,

Dear future me,

Dear past me,

Dear person I’m jealous of,

Dear person I had a crush on

Dear girlfriend 

Dear boyfriend 

I don’t even know what to feel anymore. I feel like the past few months has just been “another one of those.” It all just happened so quick, my decision was made and I took off. Right, it all comes down to me again, but it wasn’t even like that. There were those hesitations, and the past just came through my thoughts and swept me. I couldn’t let this be like the last one… or the one before… If this had to be it, it had to be now. Before it hurts me more than what is happening now… I regret it, I wanna talk about it and hope we can compromise once again. But something in me just stops me and taps me on my back saying “good for you.” I can’t be a burden anymore. Not on me, not on him. This was my choice. This was it.

Me: "This was such a bad idea... I'm gonna leave you alone with your studies. I don't want to be in between it. Or get you in trouble with your dad. Thanks for everything. And sorry"

Him: "There is nothing you did wrong if anything you were an amazing partner for me. I should of done better in school that's all my fault for real. I had opportunities to do well but I didn't accomplish it. Don't be sorry and don't feel like you were the reason I didn't do well. It's literally on me. You made me happy when I should be sad, when I was down you brought me up. You were amazing and who knows what can happen... I might be able to salvage my grades this next week."

That was it. I don't know if he got the message or not, but I can't be a burden anymore. His dad said he can't date if he doesn't do well in his finals. I knew it wasn't an easy quarter but I didn't know I was in the way... He asked me what he should do and I told him he should study hard then. And then there was silence.... It was like he wasn't so sure anymore, and that it would be harder than he thought. So I left. I couldn't sit in there and be okay. I wasn't. It hurt... He didn't even hesitate, it was an answer. An answer that he can't juggle both school and us. So I gave him my response and left. Right before I left, he asked me if something was wrong. As the person I am, I kept saying no. And he let me know. Once I got in the car, he realized what it was about. He came down and told me "if it was about what I told you, don't worry about it." But how can I not? I was asking for a lot I guess... For a second, I thought he was gonna come chase after me, but instead his response was it all. I avoided going home for another hour, but after that response, I was like, this is it. He knows what I meant, he's not coming anymore... I'm hurt, I cried. But in a stupid way, I respect him decision. I fell for his motivation. I looked up to him the way that he cared so much for his education and about people. He really did care for me, but it's not something he can handle. I'm just upset because I thought he had more potential. I thought we had more...

Donna: "Just give him a chance to explain himself because it's out of his control. It's cultural he has to listen to his parents and he's always been a good kid. Maybe he's just not use to rebelling."

Me: "I don't want him to rebel. I just thought he would have been more sure than what was coming out of him. My mood drastically changed after that real short convo and he knew it. He said that's not even a problem when I left but when I said something after, he left it at that. Like he didn't care."

FML

I'm having the worst week ever... I find out the quiz I took last week, I got a 67 on it, I gotta retake last quarter's Psych 101 class, I've been looking for a job (no one wants to hire me), and my period wouldn't come, till today. I think it's cos today I realized how much I'm stressing and finally exploded on myself and everyone around me. I  just feel like I'm wasting my life away in school. Studying materials that'll never stick with me long enough to do well in my quizzes and in my classes overall. And on top of that, I have to register for my last class of Math Statistics for Spring Quarter and I took the Compass test cos I needed a minimum of something and I fucking bombed that shit. I can't believe how terrible I am. It's like no matter how hard I try, I can't get nothing through my head. When I read things I can't get it through my head. In class when we have discussions, everyone can at least guess the answer but I just sit there, with my mind in the wrong places.
My family has been stressing me as well. I know a lot of my friends have been getting their own jobs and going to school but those that don't have a job has family supporting them financially and I can't get one cent out of mine without feeling like I'm just wasting their money. I'm trying my hardest to apply everywhere and get jobs and sorts but with the economy and how I am right now (physically), I won't ever get a job. I was lucky enough the other times but now it's like I'll never get nothing done right... Most places hire if you have a nice smile. As a girl, the thing you want most is a nice smile. When you go out in general, what you want to start off the day with is a nice smile. Where the hell is mine? I just feel like my mom gets my hopes up about getting me braces to start my straight teeth going and then all of a sudden, bam, she shuts it down. I've been waiting 5 years plus for this. Day by day, as I get older, it gets harder. Jobs recommend nice smiles and great communication skills and that requires nice teeth. I've got no confident because of it and now I can't help but blame it on my mom. The last time I got a job, I told my mom I'd put money in for my braces. She told me, "no it's okay. You use that money as your spending money. I'll give you your braces money." That shit just went by like she never said in the first place. I swear to God, I'm not even gonna look forward to a fucking dentist appointment anymore. The more lies she tells me, the more it hurts. I've been waiting for so long for straight teeth, it's a debby downer... I see people who don't need braces getting them. My mom says it's because "I was born into the wrong family." No offense but you're right, I did.
I just feel like I should be given credit to things that I deserve to have. I know my head wasn't in on it last quarter, that's why I gotta take one of the classes again, but I am trying now. And I want me fair share of good grades to go on my transcript... I'm gonna be patient, strong and motivated. I don't want to care about how I look, what I'm going to wear today, what social events are going on. I'm gonna work hard and go strong because the only person I have to prove to is now myself. Today, I was fairly disappointed on my score from the compass. I knew i finish this quick for a reason and that reason was because I didn't remember jack since high school.
Now, there's a possibility that I won't be going to school next Spring. Mom has no money for my classes and she doesn't have my documents for Fafsa... I'm so fucked.......... But if things don't work out like I wish they did, I'm gonna just work my ass of Spring quarter, get my ass ready for summer, kick ass and move on (and out of this house). I'm not in a hurry to get out of school like everyone else is. I don't want to feel as stressed as I was this week............ It just sucks not getting what you want, you know? I'm a needy, emotional person and when your period is 8 days overdue, omg, people better watch their step.
I'm still so frustrated that I went to TJ. If I can erase time, I would have never went there.......... I got a 3.86 Sophomore year with sports on my side and other clubs. I was rocking town, almost getting that 40,000 scholarship. Now losing that, moving around again, meeting all the smart kids at tj, damn my self esteem shot down by a million. It was a totally different atmosphere and I couldn't get my head in the game, ever. I could never get used to it and it always felt like I was competing and it was way too tricky for me. That's why I failed.............. And not being able graduate with people I know (or in general), not applying to colleges and getting accepted and such and then going the following Fall, it sucks. Everything about my life sucks. And honestly my parents will never understand it. They're always gonna pull me back and make me wait two steps back while everyone is already passing me. I'll just um.........