Thursday, March 1, 2012


I'm having the worst week ever... I find out the quiz I took last week, I got a 67 on it, I gotta retake last quarter's Psych 101 class, I've been looking for a job (no one wants to hire me), and my period wouldn't come, till today. I think it's cos today I realized how much I'm stressing and finally exploded on myself and everyone around me. I  just feel like I'm wasting my life away in school. Studying materials that'll never stick with me long enough to do well in my quizzes and in my classes overall. And on top of that, I have to register for my last class of Math Statistics for Spring Quarter and I took the Compass test cos I needed a minimum of something and I fucking bombed that shit. I can't believe how terrible I am. It's like no matter how hard I try, I can't get nothing through my head. When I read things I can't get it through my head. In class when we have discussions, everyone can at least guess the answer but I just sit there, with my mind in the wrong places.
My family has been stressing me as well. I know a lot of my friends have been getting their own jobs and going to school but those that don't have a job has family supporting them financially and I can't get one cent out of mine without feeling like I'm just wasting their money. I'm trying my hardest to apply everywhere and get jobs and sorts but with the economy and how I am right now (physically), I won't ever get a job. I was lucky enough the other times but now it's like I'll never get nothing done right... Most places hire if you have a nice smile. As a girl, the thing you want most is a nice smile. When you go out in general, what you want to start off the day with is a nice smile. Where the hell is mine? I just feel like my mom gets my hopes up about getting me braces to start my straight teeth going and then all of a sudden, bam, she shuts it down. I've been waiting 5 years plus for this. Day by day, as I get older, it gets harder. Jobs recommend nice smiles and great communication skills and that requires nice teeth. I've got no confident because of it and now I can't help but blame it on my mom. The last time I got a job, I told my mom I'd put money in for my braces. She told me, "no it's okay. You use that money as your spending money. I'll give you your braces money." That shit just went by like she never said in the first place. I swear to God, I'm not even gonna look forward to a fucking dentist appointment anymore. The more lies she tells me, the more it hurts. I've been waiting for so long for straight teeth, it's a debby downer... I see people who don't need braces getting them. My mom says it's because "I was born into the wrong family." No offense but you're right, I did.
I just feel like I should be given credit to things that I deserve to have. I know my head wasn't in on it last quarter, that's why I gotta take one of the classes again, but I am trying now. And I want me fair share of good grades to go on my transcript... I'm gonna be patient, strong and motivated. I don't want to care about how I look, what I'm going to wear today, what social events are going on. I'm gonna work hard and go strong because the only person I have to prove to is now myself. Today, I was fairly disappointed on my score from the compass. I knew i finish this quick for a reason and that reason was because I didn't remember jack since high school.
Now, there's a possibility that I won't be going to school next Spring. Mom has no money for my classes and she doesn't have my documents for Fafsa... I'm so fucked.......... But if things don't work out like I wish they did, I'm gonna just work my ass of Spring quarter, get my ass ready for summer, kick ass and move on (and out of this house). I'm not in a hurry to get out of school like everyone else is. I don't want to feel as stressed as I was this week............ It just sucks not getting what you want, you know? I'm a needy, emotional person and when your period is 8 days overdue, omg, people better watch their step.
I'm still so frustrated that I went to TJ. If I can erase time, I would have never went there.......... I got a 3.86 Sophomore year with sports on my side and other clubs. I was rocking town, almost getting that 40,000 scholarship. Now losing that, moving around again, meeting all the smart kids at tj, damn my self esteem shot down by a million. It was a totally different atmosphere and I couldn't get my head in the game, ever. I could never get used to it and it always felt like I was competing and it was way too tricky for me. That's why I failed.............. And not being able graduate with people I know (or in general), not applying to colleges and getting accepted and such and then going the following Fall, it sucks. Everything about my life sucks. And honestly my parents will never understand it. They're always gonna pull me back and make me wait two steps back while everyone is already passing me. I'll just um.........

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